a journey of spirit

The last two months or so have been messy. I’ve re-arranged priorities and haven’t gotten done the things that I should be getting done. The things that matter. My brain has been going a hundred miles a minute and I’ve felt sort of hopeless. I’d been putting off prayer time over and over again, all the while it sat in the back of my head telling me that I needed to do it. Then, just when I thought I was done, I nervously reluctantly asked a friend about something I’d been curious about. Well when we started discussing it, we began to realize that my foundation had not been set.

I love Jesus. But it’s been such a process of learning to love Him. Growing up in a religion that has rules and dictations and all these things that you have to adhere to left no place for relationship. So learning to love and trust and believe and…have faith, is so challenging. But God didn’t say life would be easy. He didn’t say believing in him would be a piece of cake. And I’m finding that out. Coming from a place of not having a relationship, but seeing so many wonderful people living for Jesus, it’s been so difficult to not want more of what they have. In a discussion earlier this week with the same friend, I was asked what it is that I want that I feel I’m not getting/having. My response was that I want to just fall into Jesus. I want my decisions to reflect that. And then he said , “Christie, it’s happening. Don’t you see that? You are living that way, just by being here and discussing this.” And that was an “A-Ha!” moment. It’s happening. It’s happening. Hmm, sometimes I just need things to be pointed out to me.

Yesterday, I spoke to another friend about all sorts of things, but mostly business. I love what I do, don’t get me wrong, but it’s hard stuff. Owning a business and being all things in it (Photographer, editor, accountant, manager, etc) is extremely challenging and I find myself struggling with wanting to run and manage it. I’ve thought a lot about limiting and just doing personal and ministry projects. It’s something that I find great joy in and love being able to bless people with the gift of photographs. So anyhow, when telling her that I might want to take a break from photographing as much as I have but that I’m afraid of letting go of it and letting my clients down, she asked me this,”Are you risking the reward because you’re afraid of the risk?” Wow. Wow. How did I end up with such smart and loving friends?

And then, in yet another conversation with yet another smart friend, discussing much of the same stuff from above, her advice was this: Sometimes it’s just doing the next best thing. the next best thing. No not in the way that you have to find the next best thing because you’re not satisfied. But doing the next best thing that will help you get through it.

One of my main issues is that I don’t relax. I have somehow started to believe that there will be this huge epiphany and all will just happen to fall into place the way that I want it. But I forget that this isn’t about me or what I want, but about what God wants and what He wants for me. little ol’ me. He has a plan for me. He’s growing me, building my character. He’s saving me. I just need to stop and relax and see that it’s happening.

I don’t know what it is about a new year that brings so much hope. I mean, why can’t we make these resolutions in the middle of the year? Why wait? Maybe it’s an “official” closing of a chapter and beginning of another. Maybe it’s just easy to “finish it out”. This year, I’m not going to wait. I’m ready to be in it to win it.

The last few days of 2009 had me thinking deep thoughts. I’m currently reading a book by Francis Chan called “Crazy Love”. Wow. What an eye-opener this book has been. I don’t know how I came across it but I am very glad I did. In it, Francis explains how deeply our God loves us, how amazing it is that He wants to love us, and what we are to do for Him, how we are to love for Him. Now, to some of you, it may seem like second nature. But growing up Catholic, I don’t think I ever really understood what it is that I am meant to do. It sounds all philosophical, but really it’s so simple. God, the creator of creation, wants me to love more. He made me to love. He made me to love Him. He didn’t make me to just go out and do good, be kind, be mediocre, or average or nice enough…He did not make me to be lukewarm.  I have been struggling in a place of not knowing what to do or how to be. I have felt this whole year that I needed to do more, to be something more. If you’re in a place in your faith where you don’t know what is next, I highly recommend this book. It will help open your eyes and get you thinking more of what God’s intentions are for you.

I also have spent a few hours this week listening to podcasts by a fellow photographer. I met him briefly last spring at a workshop that he’d held here in Houston. I didn’t register for the workshop, but was sent an email that Dane Sanders was going to be in town and was holding a free talk about photography. I called my good friend Kim up to see if she wanted to go and check him out. I’d known about Dane through various online forums. One thing that drew me to him was that he is a man of faith. But not only that, he is living it. How refreshing. Dane hosts weekly video streams where he shares inspiration for photographers to move forward, grow their business. The topic of the discussion I went to was about me, not about him. I find this so refreshing because in a land of photographers marketing to photographers, it is very rare that a photographer teaches you to see your vision, to be who and what you want to be, that the client is essentially buying you. So often, photographers holding workshops are selling themselves, what they do, how they do it. More recently, one of Dane’s guest speakers(who happens to coach Christian pastors and leaders) discussed that we need to be all in. Yet, another eye-opener. There have been many times where I felt that I didn’t want to do something with my business, I would be afraid to fail or I would be lazy.  I have a friend who has been sort of coaching me with business decisions.  I was discussing product offerings for 2010 and I told him that I wasn’t interested in providing something because it was too much work to do…again, another situation where I was not “all in”. So, add all this to the book I’m reading…whew, talk about revelation.

I follow a photography blog that is chock full of inspiration. Artists, writers, women who love to create. There is a project they talk about called “The One Word Project”. Essentially, you choose a word that will be your mantra, a bit of a focused resolution, if you will. So in having these experiences listed above, paired with experiences from all of last year, in faith, life, business and love, my One Word for 2010 is “Discover”. I want to discover a deeper relationship with God. I want to discover His plan for my business and family. I want to discover a deep understanding of who I am. I want to discover love and new friendships. So, here’s to you, 2010. I welcome you with open arms.