One of the things I worry most about is whether or not I’m doing the best I can do to teach my kids to know God and to grow into amazing human beings. God’s entrusted me to provide them the foundation on which they’ll stand. Right now, I’m the spiritual leader in the house and it’s a bit of a difficult thing. But I trust that God is up to something and that I just need to do what He’s asked me to do.

I picked up The One Year Book of Josh McDowell’s Family Devotions from my church’s bookstore a few months ago and we’ve been reading from it every evening. I love this book for my kids (ages 4-9) because it not only allows us to hear a story about the topic, but also provides discussion questions along with a short prayer. Last night we talked about accepting the truth and asking forgiveness for our wrongs. What a proud moment it was to hear my kids ask forgiveness without any real prompting from me.

This morning, as we sat outside on the porch enjoying the unexpected cool air and breeze, Andre told me that he’d wished that his daddy didn’t have to work nights today so he could come outside with us. I asked him if he wanted that so that Daddy would come out and play with him. My sweet Andre said, “No, I just wish he could come out and enjoy the weather with us because it’s so beautiful”.  Another proud moment. I thought selfish thoughts, but my Andre thought giving thoughts.

My sweet sister, Michele, sent the kids a back to school card with some money. We finally went to Target last night after church so that the kids could spend it. This morning, during our quiet time and before the boys were allowed to go play, I asked them to write a Thank You card to Aunt Shelly. Darius’ closed his note with,”I’m thankful and I bless you.”

I loved this passage from Exodus that I read yesterday. Pharoah had finally agreed, after all of the plagues, to let Moses lead the Israelites to the wilderness to worship the Lord. But then, he changed his mind and decided to rally his army to go after them. The Israelites became frustrated with Moses and asked him, “Why have you brought us out here to die?” and “Let us be! We’d rather be slaves than die in the wilderness!”. And then Moses said, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord save you today…The Lord will fight for you today. Just stay calm”. (This can be found in Exodus 14)

Earlier this week, I was reminded (probably for the hundredth time) to Be Still and know He is God. But for some reason, this verse above just stopped me in my tracks. TODAY. Stand still and He will save me today. He’s on my side. Just live in today.

Today, my kids have been grateful, today they have been giving, today we worship and praise God for this life He’s given us. Today, I’m feeling affirmation that I am doing the best I can do to raise these kids. I am practicing my listening skills, waiting for His guidance.

Gifts 54-64

bike rides

Autumn teases

new music arrangements of old songs

a bouquet of unexpected flowers

conversations with friends not seen in a long time

butterfly kisses from 4 year olds

sweaty hugs from 9 year olds

toothless grins from 6 year olds

girls night at the gun range

First Thursdays

parents who introduced me to God

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listening to: Our God | Chris Tomlin

Somehow, once I hit my teen years I became a bit rebellious. I argued incessantly with my mother and we were always butting heads. I became very difficult to handle and extremely incorrigible.  This would be the pattern from 13 to 18.

Our religion was Catholic. It was understood that we were to go to church every Sunday and more times than not we sat in the very front row. This was to prevent us from goofing around or falling asleep during the Mass. As a child I attended CCD on Sundays, had my first communion, and then confirmation at 16. I remember distinctly not wanting to confirm as I wasn’t exactly sure what I was confirming. At 16, without really knowing God, I was very defiant in making such a big decision without knowing exactly what it meant. But I did it anyway. Nothing changed. We still went to church and I still went to youth group. But that was just a place to be.

It wasn’t until I was 22 years old (3 years after this behavior finally ended) did I realize that the entire time I was acting out, I was searching for God. I would stay out all night, sneak out, pretend to be at work when I wasn’t. I would partake in mild drug use and hang around people I shouldn’t have been hanging out with–people who were a few years older or people whose character were proven to not be good. But I was blind to this behavior. I wanted to be liked. I was trying to fill this hole, and I was just dumping whatever I could in to get it to close up. I put my poor family through 5 years of a deep darkness. My poor sisters probably didn’t get the childhood that they deserved and my parents would do whatever it would take to keep me from drowning. I’m so very sorry for it…

(note: just because I found this out at 22, however, didn’t mean that I’d fully “get” it…it took me 8 more years)

The behavior finally ended 6 months after my 18th birthday. My mother, determined to get me out of the pit, had found me a good job with good people…and random drug testing. But I was at a point where I could either go on with the same abusive relationships and behaviors, or get out and try to thrive. I remember being only 18 years old and afraid of living a good life. It’s amazing what one or two bad people can do to one’s self esteem. But, the alternative would have led me to dieing.

I eventually found my now husband (this part of my story will have to come another time), married and began to raise a family. My husband became the hole-filler. And as we all know, a star shaped object doesn’t fit into a cross shaped hole. The drama of that will have to wait for another time, too. But, let’s just say that it was a long drawn out process of me discovering that I was relying on him to make some things easier for me and to make me feel complete.

Again, at 30, I was given an opportunity to go down one road or another. I could either try finding God again or go on with the same, normal, unfulfilled life that I’d been scraping by with. I was afraid, because this time it was different. It wasn’t the catholic religion I’d been used to. It wasn’t the condemnation that I’d been used to; the judging or rules. Instead it was love and relationship. Funny enough, life seems harder now that God’s got me.

The hardest part about this is wrapping my head around unearned love and His grace. All my life, I’d struggled with trying to earn and gain and get and be. And here I am at 31, finding out that I didn’t really need to try at all. It’s been there all along.

Today. Today I am good and I am broken and I am filling that hole with something Holy. Today I am working on it every day to be and live and love the way I’m meant to. Today I am struggling to be relaxed and worry-free; to lay my burdens down. It finally dawned on me that what’s been the struggle–the trying to earn– doesn’t have to be. I don’t need to worry if I’m doing this right or doing this wrong. I just need to be in relationship with God and He’ll love me.

A few weeks ago, I attended Women of COF and sweet Laura always has such a wonderful message. This time she spoke about Jonah. I learned about myself that I still hold onto my biggest mistakes, I still regret them and I still harbor feelings about them. Jonah’s story was about his biggest failure…or so I thought. It turns out, the story of Jonah is about our God’s love and that He keeps coming back for us. Near the end of her message, Laura gave us this verse from Lamentations 3:21-22 “I have hope when I think of this: the Lord’s love never ends. His mercies never stop.” I swear I might have gasped a bit for air. I’ve heard this in song, but hearing Laura say it in her own wise way, it had a much deeper affect on me. I’m so thankful for His never-ending mercies.

(if you’d like to listen to Laura’s message, you can do so by clicking here.)

Gifts 44-53

new mercies

shave ice on hot summer days

passionate people

headphones

new experiences

people who serve the Kingdom

a roof over our heads

the first day of school after a long summer vacation

breakfast with friends

confiding

I thought it might be interesting to share this little bit. At our WoCOF we have an ice-breaker and this time it was some great questions:

If you were talking in your sleep, what would you say? some sort of gibberish, so my husband says

What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed? Now, I’ve gotten into the pattern of praising God for the new day right when I wake up, but the first thing I do when I get out of bed is turn the coffee pot on!

What is your greatest addiction? don’t tell anyone, but I turn the music up in my car as loud as possible and sing as loud as possible. It’s not a good thing for anyone but me, ask my kids.

If you were invisible, where would you go? This one is hard. I don’t know.

What three adjectives best describe you? warm, loving & quiet–but really it’s observant.

What is the best advice you’ve ever received? Again, a hard one! I get awesome advice every week from great friends. The quickest one that came to mind is: “Do the next good thing” from my friend, Teri.

let me be aware of the treasure you are.

Let me learn from you,

love you,

bless you before you depart.

Let me not pass you by

in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may,

for it may not always be so.

One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,

or bury my face in the pillow,

or stretch myself taut,

or raise my hands to the sky and want,

more than all the world, your return.

~Mary Jean Iron

I just love this poem so much. Today is the last day before the new school year starts. I’m hoping to make it a fun day for them: gigantic shave ice, a few hours at the pool, hopscotch and running barefoot.

Do I matter? But let’s not look at it in the context of me mattering to anyone else in the self-pity way, but am I doing significant things in my relationships to truly be an important facet in someone else’s life? Am I loving and caring and praying enough and taking the time to be significant to them?  Am I mattering?

I fall short. I’m not doing my best to cultivate those relationships. I’m not taking the time, setting it aside to nurture and grow the relationships I do have.  I can be missing so much because I’m not making the effort and am not placing the importance needed on those relationships. It’s so easy to be self-serving and worried about me. So much so that I allow me to get in the way of what I could be  learning and growing from others. Worse, what if I, by the actions that I’ve taken (or not) have made someone feel as if they don’t matter?

In realizing all of this. I’ve found that I haven’t truly allowed friendships to grow because I tend to guard myself and my issues from others and rarely discuss deeper real life, dirty and life-change stuff in fear that someone won’t really like me. How am I even giving them a chance to decide? I am judging them based on something that hasn’t even happened…worse, I’m judging.

In a conversation with a friend today, I told her that she can only be who she is. People will like it or they won’t. They’ll love her or they won’t. But if they don’t, then are they really important and worth losing sleep over? If they can’t love her for her mess (or my mess) or for her faults (or mine) but only for her good things…Well, our job is to love them anyway. Not to worry about whether we are acceptable in their eyes or not. There is only One whose opinion we need to be worried about. (side note: why is it that we always have the answers inside but we don’t realize it until we talk it out with friends?)

I’ve been studying the book of James this week. Umm. Wow. James is deep. James tells it like it is. Through reading this, I’ve had to taken a long hard look at where I do fall short, what I’m meant to be, who I’m meant to be, but most importantly, how I’m meant to live and love. The relationships that I’ve had and how I’ve treated the people I have known in my life, well, many I have not allowed to grow. But that’s changing. So, if you’ve emailed me or called me and I haven’t gotten back to you. If you’ve reached out to me and tried to connect and I’ve disappointed, I apologize. You matter. You matter to me and I love you for who you are. Forgive me for not cultivating relationship with you because of my many excuses (I’m busy, the summer’s been crazy, I can’t seem to find time, etc, etc.). But more importantly, thank you, for showing me, that while I may not matter to some, I matter to you.

“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowances for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body, you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” Colossians 3:12-17

Gifts 31-43

toothless smiles

suntan lotion scented hugs

winding country roads

foot massages and pedicures

sweet newborn babies

faithful friends

a fresh spiral notebook

vod-casting

forgiveness

unconditional love

second chances

spiritual leaders

music & lyric

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Our worship team introduced this song this week and it was so powerful, so amazing and so beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au3EGgISYMc

my heart will sing no other Name

Jesus, Jesus

In a conversation with a friend, he pointed out to me that peace and calm are two different things. One can be calm without having peace, or peaceful without calm. He’d asked if something were to shake up my calm if I’d still be at peace. Ummm. huh? wha? I kid. It was good to hear these questions, to really think through them to see if I would, in fact, keep my peace. After a few minutes of pondering, it felt good to answer that I would. I can only have faith that any shake-ups are to grow me.

Last night was First Thursday at COF. We gather as a community to praise Him and dig deeper in the Word. Pastor Mark’s message last night was “How To Capture The Moment”. He told the story of Martha and Mary. Martha, who’d been working relentlessly to prepare her home for Jesus, who’d been doing chores and cooking. Mary, who was just sitting and listening and being with Jesus. I think I’m a bit more like Martha at times. I feel the need to prepare and over think and consume myself with things that are not really that significant when put into perspective. What’s significant is the now, the here, the present. Pastor Mark made a very good point that we only have right now. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.

“Perhaps this very instant is your time.” – Louise Bogan

This seeking forgiveness thing is new. I’ve never put much importance on it, I think because I just know that God will forgive me. But part of the growing into Him is allowing myself to see where I need Him to work in me. It’s hard to admit where you’re wrong. But the more I seek Him, the more it’s almost as if I want to admit the wrongs so that I can do His will. One of my new favorite songs (though it’s a few years old) is “Hallowed Father” by Jeremy Riddle. It’s such a beautifully orchestrated prayer. It seems to say all the things I need to say to God. The chorus:

Gifts #11 – 30

And how happy I am to be home. Don’t get me wrong, I love visiting my family. But being away from home for two weeks is quite a while. I never realized how much I love my own bed. I’ve slept better the last two nights than I have in a long long long time!

Our trip was wonderful. The kids were so good on the 18 hour long drive through the desert. And they were thrilled to be spending time with their grandparents. The husband and I left them there for a few days while we ventured off to Vegas. It wouldn’t have been my first pick as a relaxing vacation destination, but it was close. We spent most of our time off the strip and just walking around, people watching.

I was looking forward to this trip, to connecting with my kids, my husband and my God. I was grateful for the opportunity to go to a great little church in Chandler (http://www.cschandler.com) where I’d asked God to meet me, to show me the answer to a big battle that I’ve got going. He didn’t fail me and answered me in the first 5 minutes of the sermon. So vividly that it was as if He was speaking directly to me. I’m thankful for moments like these, moments of clarity. I’m thankful for moments where the answers fall into place and give me hope, even when I am in doubt.

While on the trip, my 6 year old and I were making bets one day. He said that if he won, I had to spend a whole day away from the computer. Ouch. Burn. Sting. I’ve been battling on what I’m meant to do with my business. You see, I’m not just a photographer. I edit photos, I market, I keep the finances, I have to come up with new ideas, I have to be fresh and creative, I am the emailer, the phone answerer.  Have I mentioned any of this before? If so, I apologize. It’s been hanging on me like a 50 pound chain. And while I’ve been thinking and praying and trying to figure out what to do about it, as soon as he said those words, I knew. Focus on what’s important, on my kids, on my family, on me. Focus on where God wants me to be and what He wants me to do. I’m excited to see what it is.

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I came across a tweet today: “If we fail to see Jesus in the people we encounter they will be left untouched like lepers, unreached like the lost, & unloved like the poor.” (Bianca Juarez) Wow. This hit me like a ton of bricks. This big battle that I’m in, well, I’ve got a lot of expectations and I realized that I often get so carried away in trying to fix my own situation and trying to make sure that I’m doing what Jesus wants me to do that I sometimes forget to see Him in the people I’m most worried or prayerful about. I forget to see the wonderful things and only see the things I want changed. I only see the way I think things are meant to be, instead of how they are actually changing, or how God is actually working. Sometimes I get so discouraged by the way things are not going for me, that I fail to see God working around me. He’s there, in every single person or place. But I am so wrapped up in my version of things that I’m just not seeing Him. *sigh* I just need to give up the fight and let Him do his job.

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here are a few pics from my iphone haven’t gone through the other pics yet

We’re headed into the Great Southwest. We’re tracking across 1800 miles of land in one day. We’re dropping the kids off and then headed to Vegas two days later. We’re going to be alone. ALONE. With all the hustle and bustle of life, The Husband and I haven’t been alone- really alone – in over 9 years. 9 years.

I’m leaving my camera behind (but I did pick up a pretty awesome point and shoot today!) and focusing on one important thing: freedom. Freedom from the kids, freedom from work, freedom from worry.

Most importantly, I am concentrating on the freedom to just be.

 Gifts #s 01-10:

children who love God and love to learn about Him

a church family who loves us and is for us

our home

unexpected interruptions

cool breezes on hot summer nights

sweet babies coming up to cuddle

love texts

wishing flowers

long drives on open roads forcing us to connect

wise friends with big hearts

Growing up, some of my happiest memories with you are the ones that were simple. Going out to the lake and playing on the beach, driving out to Colorado and seeing the beautiful mountains. When we got to be teenagers life got to be busy and the fun and simple times grew less and less. But I knew I could always count on you. Whether it was me needing math homework help or needing help getting out of punishment from mom. I never felt your absence. When it counted, you were always there.

And I want you to know , dad, that you did an amazing job. You, with help from mom, have raised 3 wonderful daughters who are out there contributing to the world. God gave us you as our father so that we can learn and grow and become who we are today. God knew exactly what He was doing when he placed us in your care. Yeah things were surely confusing and sometimes you didn’t know how to handle certain things (it’s okay, I know I was a bit unmanageable), but God knew that you could do it.

I want to thank you and mom for never giving up on me. For believing that I could get through those dirty years that I had. For seeing me through. Thank you for being wonderful grandparents to my babies and thank you for loving them and caring for them with all your heart. It warms my spirit to know that they think so much of you and look forward to spending their summer days with you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Edit:

This morning at church, Pastor Mark talked about fatherhood and principles that make great fathers and mothers. One that stuck out to me was this:

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Mark went on to tell us that most pastors and churches these days talk about this verse and mean that if we raise our kids with biblical and Godly values, that they’ll come back to it later in life if they’re ever led astray. But then he went on to interpret it from the Hebrew translation. To sum it up, “the way he should go” means the way God meant him to be.

You always did allow me to be who I was, even when you saw heartbreak in my future, even when I made the wrong choices. As a mother, I know it’s going to be hard if one of my children are even half as, well…creative as I was. But you allowed me to hurt and you allowed me to learn and you allowed me to go the way I should go.  The amazing thing is this:  I’m right where God wants me to be, with Him.

I love Jesus. But it’s been such a process of learning to love Him. Growing up in a religion that has rules and dictations and all these things that you have to adhere to left no place for relationship. So learning to love and trust and believe and…have faith, is so challenging. But God didn’t say life would be easy. He didn’t say believing in him would be a piece of cake. And I’m finding that out. Coming from a place of not having a relationship, but seeing so many wonderful people living for Jesus, it’s been so difficult to not want more of what they have. In a discussion earlier this week with the same friend, I was asked what it is that I want that I feel I’m not getting/having. My response was that I want to just fall into Jesus. I want my decisions to reflect that. And then he said , “Christie, it’s happening. Don’t you see that? You are living that way, just by being here and discussing this.” And that was an “A-Ha!” moment. It’s happening. It’s happening. Hmm, sometimes I just need things to be pointed out to me.

Yesterday, I spoke to another friend about all sorts of things, but mostly business. I love what I do, don’t get me wrong, but it’s hard stuff. Owning a business and being all things in it (Photographer, editor, accountant, manager, etc) is extremely challenging and I find myself struggling with wanting to run and manage it. I’ve thought a lot about limiting and just doing personal and ministry projects. It’s something that I find great joy in and love being able to bless people with the gift of photographs. So anyhow, when telling her that I might want to take a break from photographing as much as I have but that I’m afraid of letting go of it and letting my clients down, she asked me this,”Are you risking the reward because you’re afraid of the risk?” Wow. Wow. How did I end up with such smart and loving friends?

And then, in yet another conversation with yet another smart friend, discussing much of the same stuff from above, her advice was this: Sometimes it’s just doing the next best thing. the next best thing. No not in the way that you have to find the next best thing because you’re not satisfied. But doing the next best thing that will help you get through it.

One of my main issues is that I don’t relax. I have somehow started to believe that there will be this huge epiphany and all will just happen to fall into place the way that I want it. But I forget that this isn’t about me or what I want, but about what God wants and what He wants for me. little ol’ me. He has a plan for me. He’s growing me, building my character. He’s saving me. I just need to stop and relax and see that it’s happening.